The Battle With My Body

This post stunned me. Not because I didn’t know this story but because of the vulnerability & courage I know it took to share it. Danielle Sinopoli is hidden in Jesus. She longs to give Him all of her and that is evidenced no better than through the transparency of this post. You may not have any experience with what Danielle shares in today’s post but if you do, you’ll know why this post is so important.

battleOften when I speak about the struggles I’ve faced in my life, I speak about addiction and my journey in recovery. Yet, I felt God’s leading that  this was the time to share of a more recent struggle.  The victims of this struggle are often left feeling vulnerable, confused, and alone. My journey started 1 month before I was married. I knew I had always suffered from pain in my lower area and discovered through my OB/GYN that it was likely endometriosis, a disorder that causes an excess scar tissue development in the uterus. It was suggested that I have a procedure done to fix this. When the surgery failed to fix my pain I was also diagnosed with Vulvar Vestibulitis, a chronic pain condition that results in a highly localized burning or cutting type of pain. After 6 months of trying several treatments in the form of creams, pills and injections, my doctor was running out of options. As a last resort, I wound up having another surgery to remove the affected muscle tissue and I was given hopes of finally being rid of this issue. Yet, the pain continued and led to another new diagnosis of pelvic floor dysfunction, which causes a wide range of issues resulting from weak and tight pelvic floor muscles. All three diagnoses are pain disorders and specifically cause unbearable pain with intercourse.

The pain I experienced during intimacy was so severe that even as newlyweds my husband and I made the decision to avoid physical intimacy altogether. After my second surgery, I started going to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction where I learned that any attempt at intercourse before my muscles healed would only make my pain worse and my road to recovery longer. I was crushed. I felt broken and incomplete, even like less of a woman. I was ashamed. I wanted to talk about it but quickly found out that no one liked to talk about it. Instead I often heard the things that a ‘good’ wife intimately does for their husband. I didn’t want to take intimacy away from my husband.

During this time, I called out to the Lord in desperation many, many times. I began to doubt Him. I wondered if God was punishing me for my past when I knew He’d forgiven me. I wondered how He could allow this when I had done it right this time and waited until marriage. I begged Him to take this from me and to allow me just to be able to endure it for my husband’s sake. I went through seasons of deep insecurity, fearing that my husband would want to leave me. But God did something in him that I cannot explain and I am forever grateful for. My husband told me time and time again that he did not marry me for the intimacy; he married me because he loves me and I’m his best friend. He has lived this kind of love out without fail for the past 3 years.

Even through my hurt and my anger, Jesus was there for me. He never left me and each time I poured my heart out to Him, I knew He hurt with me. And He loved me through it. He walked with me and reminded me that He has a plan and purpose for everything, even if I don’t understand. He does not want to hurt me, but to grow me, use me. God made it clear that this story was not to be wasted and to share our journey. Will I ever be healed? Will I ever get to experience intimacy with my husband void from fear? I don’t know. Today, my husband and I are able to be intimate from time to time. It is not always pain-free and I will continue to have to work on the healing process. For now, I have to completely rely on God with this, and I walk in the truth that I have grown closer to my husband and to my God through the trial. That, I have found is a blessing in the end.

Question: Is there a battle that you are facing that feels lonely?  What would dependence on God through this difficult circumstance look like?


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